British Life To Change Forever

David Cameron or Nick Clegg warned today that he would change forever the way the British lived. Dismissing accusations of social engineering as “the whining of wound-licking socialist running dogs” he stated “there is no such thing as society, therefore there can be no such thing as social engineering.”

The UK prime minister warned that the cuts to public services would be unpleasant, however the good news was that he would never meet those most affected by the changes at a dinner party. He went on to say that unpleasant things were always good for you, which meant the cuts were Common Sense and the Right Thing to do. The war in Iraq and the medicine his nanny used to give him were proof if proof were needed, he added.

Speaking later at a London private club to an audience of Daily Mail readers bussed in from Middle England David Cameron or Nick Clegg said “in layman’s terms the problem with the NHS and social welfare is that they simply do not make any money.” He then went on to attack the idea that these services were necessary. “I’ve never had to use them, and I can’t see why anyone else would need to either.”

“These cuts are not motivated by ideology, they are simply Common Sense. We plan to close the NHS and stop welfare payments to voters in the North.” He then went on to talk about the importance of continuity, pledging to continue the Labour Party’s policy of donating tax revenue to the banks. “They make excellent profits, and this is Good Business.”

Hitting back at criticism he said “suggestions that public spending can somehow support growth and improve the economy are the insane ravings of the sort of left-wing university intellectuals who never invited me to their parties at Oxford.” Stepping back from the microphone he then punched the air and shouted, "who's the daddy? I own you bitches" before continuing to lay out the government's planned cuts.

Inspired by the public apology given recently by Michael Ignatieff, the leader of the Liberal Party of Canada, for the excessive cuts of his predecessors David Cameron or Nick Clegg announced that the UK government would quickly form a Canadian-style Star Chamber of Private Sector experts to make government more efficient. “The speed with which BP have dealt with the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico should be a lesson to us all” he shouted over rapturous applause from the Daily Mail readers.

After the speech James Kirk, a Daily Mail reader from Penge said “finally we have a government with Common Sense. It’s about time those scroungers in the North stopped taking out of the taxpayer’s pocket. If they want health care they should cash in some of their investments to pay for it like I do.”

“At last we've got a proper English government that we can look up to instead of all those fucking Jocks.”

A hommage of sorts to the Daily Mash